Parental insecurity and ill-equipped children

A father who wakes every morning with a cigarette between his lips has already lost the moral authority to forbid his son from experimenting with drugs or marijuana. A father who spends his weekends nursing hangovers cannot convincingly raise a son who knows how to discipline his appetites. Likewise, a mother who flirts – whether subtly or openly – with influential or powerful men should not be surprised when her daughter begins to see her own body as currency. Children are not raised by instructions alone; they are formed by observation. What parents practice in private becomes the philosophy their children live by in public.

Across Nigeria and much of Africa, the erosion of values, cultural ethics, and traditional heritage has deeply affected child upbringing. In the name of modernization, globalization, and “exposure,” many homes have imported the moral confusion, permissiveness, and emotional fragmentation prevalent in parts of Europe, the West, and America – without importing the social systems that attempt to manage their consequences. The result is a generation immersed in decay, mess, and corruption, yet left without the moral tools to navigate them.

At the heart of this crisis is insecure parenting. Parenthood is not a popularity contest; it is a calling grounded in responsibility and leadership. From the beginning, the family was designed as a structure of order. Parents are not suggestions in a child’s life; they are facts. And within this structure, the man – the father – is called to be the highest leader, not merely by authority, but by example. Leadership in the home demands courage: the courage to say no, to delay pleasure, to stand alone, and to make hard and unpopular decisions that may not be applauded today but will yield disciplined, stable adults tomorrow. Unfortunately, many modern parents are afraid – afraid of being disliked by their children, afraid of being labelled “too strict,” afraid of appearing old-fashioned in a fast-changing world. This fear produces compromise, and compromise produces confusion. When parents lack inner conviction, children inherit inner chaos.

Loving children does not mean becoming their friends. Friendship is built on equality; parenting is built on responsibility. A parent who competes for a child’s approval has already surrendered leadership. Love is not the absence of boundaries; it is the courage to enforce them. Showing love does not mean granting every impulsive request, buying silence with money, or exchanging presence for gifts. True love sometimes disappoints, restrains, corrects, and delays gratification. It looks harsh in the moment but proves merciful in the long term.

In many Nigerian homes today, parents are emotionally absent yet financially defensive. They argue that the economy is harsh, opportunities are scarce, and survival requires constant hustle. While these pressures are real, they have become convenient excuses for abdication. Toddlers, children, and teenagers are increasingly abandoned to schools, churches, social media, and entertainment centres – not as supplements to parenting, but as replacements for it. Parents outsource values they no longer have time or confidence to teach.

Availability is the core of parenting, and it is dangerously lacking. Availability is not merely being in the same house; it is emotional presence, moral guidance, attentive listening, and daily involvement. Children need to be seen, corrected, affirmed, and guided consistently. When parents are perpetually busy and emotionally distant, children grow up underdeveloped and ill-equipped – educated perhaps, but unformed; exposed, but not grounded. The tragedy is that insecure parents often believe they are sacrificing for their children, while in reality, they are depriving them. Money cannot replace mentorship. Provision cannot substitute for presence. Investments made in emotionally distant children often yield adults who are materially ambitious but morally hollow, confident online but confused in real life.

Cultural ethics and traditional heritage once provided African children with a clear sense of identity, limits, respect, and responsibility. Elders were examples, not contradictions. Discipline was not abuse; it was formation. Today, many parents demand obedience without modelling self-control, preach morality without practicing integrity, and condemn corruption while indulging private compromise. Children see this hypocrisy clearly, and it breeds cynicism rather than character. Underdeveloped and ill-equipped children are not accidents of fate; they are products of insecure parenting. When parents are unsure of who they are and what they stand for, they raise children who drift – morally, emotionally, and spiritually. The crisis facing our teens and young adults is not primarily one of peer pressure or foreign influence; it is a crisis of leadership at home.

If Nigeria and Africa are to raise a generation capable of restoring dignity, stability, and ethical leadership, parents must first recover their own moral confidence. Fathers must lead with discipline and example. Mothers must model dignity and self-respect. Both must choose presence over excuses, formation over convenience, and long-term character over short-term peace. The future is not shaped in parliaments or social media platforms alone; it is forged daily in living rooms, dining tables, and quiet conversations at home. Until parents accept this truth – and live it – the insecurity of parenting will continue to produce an insecure generation.

Obiotika Wilfred Toochukwu wrote from Living Grace Restoration Assembly Inc. Nkono-Ekwulobia, Anambra State

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