Leadership begins the moment you stop avoiding yourself

No one noticed the shift at first. The executives had filed into the conference room with the usual choreography, straightened jackets, curated confidence, and conversations that skimmed the surface. Then the facilitator asked a question that sliced through the room with surgical precision: “When was the last time you disappointed your team? ” It landed with the quiet force of truth. Conversations collapsed. Posture tightened. Even the air seemed to hesitate.

Eventually, one woman exhaled and said, “Last month, I promised feedback I never delivered.” Her admission cracked open a door no one realised they had been keeping shut. Within minutes, the room was not a gathering of well-practiced leaders but a circle of flawed humans finally telling the truth. What began as an uncomfortable pause became a rare moment of shared humanity and real leadership.

Many leaders move through their roles believing the weight they carry comes from directing vision, mobilising action, and making decisions. But the most neglected muscle in leadership is the one that turns inward. Strategy can shape organisations, yet self-reflection shapes the leader. And when leaders avoid the mirror, their blind spots grow roots.

Reflection is not indulgence; it is maintenance. It is the quiet audit that ensures the person giving direction is not unknowingly importing insecurity, fear, or ego into every room they enter.

The research is unambiguous. Harvard Business School found that individuals who ended their day with structured reflection improved their performance by nearly a quarter compared to those who rushed forward without pause. MIT’s Sloan School reports that leaders who gather with peers to reflect become measurably better at decision-making because they learn to separate instinct from insight. If teams are expected to adapt and evolve, leaders must be the ones modelling the courage to slow down long enough to understand themselves.

Yet reflection always competes with the tempo of the modern workplace. Leaders are groomed to believe momentum is a virtue and stillness a liability. Reflection feels like stepping off the treadmill in a culture that counts every step. But the real cost comes from avoiding it. Leaders who move without reflection often carry unexamined habits that leak into their teams. Anxiety mutates into micromanagement. Insecurity becomes overpromising. Conflict avoidance turns into silence when a voice is required. Teams inherit not just direction but the dysfunction that leaders never paused to confront.

When Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala stepped into Nigeria’s Finance Ministry during a period of fiscal strain and deep institutional distrust, she didn’t begin with austerity measures or aggressive policy overhauls. Instead, she started where most leaders rarely look first, the culture behind the decisions. Inside the ministry, transparency was risky, data was guarded, assumptions went unchallenged, and acknowledging problems was often seen as disloyalty. Okonjo-Iweala confronted this immediately. She urged her senior teams to question their habits, expose blind spots, and speak honestly about systemic issues. Her own willingness to face uncomfortable truths set the standard. Gradually, fear gave way to openness; silos gave way to collaboration. Hidden inefficiencies surfaced, and long-stalled innovations became possible. Nigeria eventually enacted significant transparency reforms. The shift began not with strategy, but with one leader choosing humility, reflection, and truth before demanding change from others.

Reflection becomes practical the moment leaders treat it as a strategic pause rather than an interruption. A brief ritual at the end of the day, asking what worked, what didn’t, and why, can reset a leader’s emotional compass. And when leaders speak openly about their own missteps, they give teams permission to be honest about theirs. A simple phrase such as “Here is something I could have done better” can soften an entire room and turn tension into collective movement.

Reflection becomes transformative when leaders allow it to shape behaviour. Noticing a pattern is only the first step; courage lies in choosing to disrupt it.

So, ask yourself: do you lead from reaction or reflection? When was the last time you named a mistake without burying it beneath qualifiers? Do you seek feedback with genuine curiosity, or do you treat openness as a performance of openness?

These are uncomfortable questions by design. Growth rarely enters through doors we are proud to open; it arrives through the ones we prefer to keep shut. But the mirror is not an indictment. It is an invitation to precision, to clarity, to leadership that carries less noise and more intention.

Try this the next time you step into a significant meeting: take fifteen minutes beforehand to consider how you have shown up this week. Name one pattern: interrupting, overexplaining, avoiding conflict, tightening control and committing to one deliberate shift. Stay silent in moments you usually rush to fill. Ask for someone else’s insight before offering your own. Let curiosity outrun certainty. Watch what happens in the room when you choose a different posture.

Leadership does not begin with power or charisma; it begins with the willingness to face yourself before you face your team. The leaders who leave legacies are not those who perform perfection, but those who practise reflection consistently, courageously, and without apology.

Dr Toye Sobande is a strategic leadership expert, executive coach, lawyer, public speaker, and award-winning author. He is the CEO of Stephens Leadership Consultancy LLC, a strategy and management consulting firm offering creative insights and solutions to businesses and leaders. Email: [email protected]

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